I’m trying to find what normal means to me now. People who helped trump get into office, either by voting for him directly, not voting at all or by voting third party (demonstrating an almost criminal lack of understanding of the system in the states), they don’t get it.

They really don’t.

Not a single person I’ve spoken to (and I’ve been talking, a lot) gets it.

They give me excuses such as I voted my conscious.

I voted for the economy.

I voted for anti-establishment.

There are SO many excuses. So many.

And here I sit. (In a different country I remind you, though I am expat American). I’m still terrified.

Not in the way I was that night, watching the states votes come in. I’ve been through a lot in my life (feel free to look through the blog, I’ve talked about a lot of it.)

I’ve rarely felt terror like that. The only time that came close was when one of my kids ran away from me in a crowded amusement park and I couldn’t find them for ten minutes. All turned out well in that case (thank all I hold holy) but I just can’t see how it will be an ‘all’s well that ends well’ situation here.

Anyone who helped that man get into office, no matter their role, I can’t trust them anymore.

That goes for friends, it goes for family, it goes for casual acquaintances.

I’ve always been a person who enjoys political diversity as much as I do other forms. I may not have always agreed with the stances of the other side. So now, I’m struggling with finding my new normal.

I know how I’ll be fighting. My writing, obviously, is going to remain inclusive to every form of diversity I can manage to include with sensitivity. My big surprise for January is even more needed now than it was before (and we needed it before). I’ll pick causes I feel passionate about to raise funds and awareness for… I’ve always been involved in politics, so there’s not much more I can do there.

I still can’t trust so many people I was close to. They didn’t protect me when it mattered.

How can I find a new normal with any of them after that?

So many of us were terrified of exactly what has happened.

Trump in office. Hillary won the popular vote, but she still lost.

Our families, our government, they chose not to protect us.

All day I’ve been seeing news reports and the words by friends of attacks and grief. Blood and tears from the marginalized. So many of my friends asking… what was so important to you that you’ve completely denied my right to safety? So many families shattered by the realization that… no, they don’t care enough for us to protect us.

People like me. People even MORE marginalized than me.

This wasn’t about money, or the economy, though I suppose that’s what they’ll tell themselves.

This proved exactly how intolerant, racist, sexist, ableist and ignorant of world affairs too many americans actually are.

I’ve seen so many people saying something along the lines of, ‘well, I don’t agree with you but bygones be bygones.’

I’m sorry, no. It’s not about someone simply not agreeing. Bush was about people not agreeing. I didn’t like him as president, and he fucked up a lot. He still wasn’t… this.

Trump is a tragedy.

All through his campaign he made it quite clear that he hates marginalized people. People darker than me, people who are disabled, mentally or physically ill, those on the LGBTTQQIAA2sP spectrum.

He hates me.

Those who voted for him hate me too.

There is no forgiveness in me for the proof that so many people, almost half of those who voted, hate me so much that they would vote a monster like him into office.

I’ve never been more grateful that I moved away from the country of my birth.

I wish I could offer my couch and floor space to everyone of my compatriots in the fight for equality. My house isn’t that big.

My heart is though. Tomorrow, I will pick myself up and continue my fight. I’ll continue to write my diverse, inclusive stories. Even in the face of my own fear of censure by the very people who should be supportive of writers trying to get it right. Tomorrow, I’ll continue my advocacy and my fight for equality.

Tonight. Tonight I’m still wiping away my tears and looking at my reason for living. My children… and wondering how I’ll explain this to them when they get old enough to understand.

We’ve lost a battle. A big one. We haven’t yet lost the war.

It’s a lie that weirdos don’t feel.

I keep trying to step away from social media to not think about this bloody election and I keep going back to check in on my friends.

I just scrolled through. I have so many people saying the same thing. “I’m Terrified.”

I know. I feel it too. I’m so afraid. I can’t believe it. I’m terrified.

I’ll end this (and go drink some more, like more than half of a nation is doing right now to ease their terror) with a quote from Ursula K Le Guin.

‘We’re each of us alone, to be sure. What can you do but hold your hand out in the dark?’

I’m holding my hand out, in this darkest of nights. Even if he wins (and I pray by everything I hold holy that he doesn’t) none of us will be alone.

I need to speak about self care in the face of fear. A lot of us are afraid today. Afraid that the country we live in or were born in, will elect a manipulative narcissist, a rapist, an abuser and gods only know what else, to sit in the oval office.

While being president of the US doesn’t, in all honesty, hold a lot of power (most of the power is in the senate and the house, secretarial positions) the president does hold power enough to upset the entire fabric of the international spectrum.

I’m 40 years old and I’ve never seen a more divisive campaign that brought out so much vituperative ugliness in people.

I woke up afraid, gut clenching, nauseatingly afraid that Trump will be elected president. He’s made it quite clear that *I* wouldn’t be safe in the US if he were president.

He’s made it extremely clear that so many of my friends and loved ones won’t be safe either.

I hope, so badly, that Hillary will be voted into the presidency. She at least is qualified and won’t set the world on end.

A lot of people seem to love Trump for the same reasons people loved Teddy Roosevelt. Bluster, ‘carry a big stick’, thick skin… that mentality. My great-grandfather was a woods guide, he knew Teddy Roosevelt, he was with him when he was sworn in. Teddy was a good man according to family legend.

Trump is not. You see. This isn’t 1901, and even if Trump has a thick skin (he doesn’t demonstrably show this) the rest of the world does not. We live on an international stage now. Above and beyond the fear I have for my loved ones who are not cis het white males. I’m afraid for the entire world.

So… I ranted a bit more about Trump than I intended to. I wanted to simply remind everyone that self-care can help against fear.

I hope everyone practices self-care today. Get your votes in, take a buddy with you so you’re safe please and check in with those who care for you to let them know you’re safe.

Drink water, snuggle up with a comfy blanket and Netflix if you can. Go to lunch with a friend. Whatever form your particular type of self-care takes, I hope you do it.

For me, I took a little extra time to make a nice breakfast. I have a large container of water and my coffee. I’m going to write today, since my vote had to be in weeks ago as an expat.

But please. Remember to take care of you. It’s a scary day for so many of us. Remember to check in with your friends too, to see if they’re doing okay and to let them know that you are too.

Hopefully, we’ll all wake up tomorrow with the first female president, instead of a megalomaniac.