I want to talk about demand avoidance for a second. A lot of
autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD people experience it.
 
I’m not sure of the psychology of it, or if it can affect others. But basically, if someone demands something, anything, of someone who experiences demand avoidance, even if it’s politely worded, it’s still a demand, and well, we’ll avoid it.

The more someone demands something, the more reluctant we
get to do it. So, say, a parent demands a kid do the dishes. Those dishes aren’t getting done short of abuse.

Demands are funny, and what counts as a demand to one person
with DA and another will be different.

Another PDA autistic person reminded me that a demand can be absolutely anything. It doesn’t have to come from a person. Demands are everywhere in life, and it’s a constant struggle to navigate. Hunger signals can be a demand. I’ve been hungry and unable to eat because my brain perceived the hunger cue as a demand.

It looks like stubbornness or meanness from the outside,
probably. But it really isn’t. It’s a part of many ND neurotypes.

It’s exactly like how an ADHD person can be laying and
scrolling on their phone when they have things to do; it just looks like laziness from the outside, when the reality is that the ADHD person is absolutely screaming at themselves internally to get up and do the thing. They’re frozen, really, and want to do the thing. But they can’t. They are not able to.

Different neurotypes are listed as disabilities in most 1st world countries, because they can absolutely disable us from living an average neurotypical life.

It’s hardly pleasant, I know that one from personal
experience.

It’s hell. And so is demand avoidance. We’d often like to
do the thing, but the more we’re harassed, nagged, or someone demands that a thing be done… the less likely it will be that we will be able to do it.

The same person reminded me of something else. If there’s something I can’t do because of a ‘demand’, I can often do plenty of other things. Which probably makes it seem worse on the outside. Because if I can do those things, why can’t I do ‘demanded’ thing? Well, because someone or something demanded it.

How does it feel internally? I suppose it’s likely different
for all of us. If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person because we’re all so different. I don’t presume to speak for everyone with similar neurotypes. Just to educate a little from my own lived perspective.

The involuntary nature of not being able to do the demanded
thing is similar to ADHD.

To me, it feels like each demand (I use demand loosely, it
can be anything between a polite request to a shouted order) puts another block in place that I have to hurdle or climb over before I can do the thing.

Every block builds the pile of crap I have to parkour or
navigate over or around to get thing done.

It rather sucks TBH. Our lives would be easier if we didn’t
have this neurological thing, too.

If you know about them having it, it’s ablest to demand
something from someone with DA.

The way things are phrased is very important to many with
DA. I have a pretty extreme case, and it’s why my Gram probably called me stubborn as an ornery mule with its feet stuck in cement. It doesn’t really matter how a request is worded for me.

People can ask for thing, and remind me once before the
demand avoidance kicks in. IF they’ve been polite.

If it’s not polite to start with, no way will I be able to
do it.

As you can imagine, this was quite a hurdle for me in
working multi-million dollar sales deals with the US DoD.

Business doesn’t work like that.

(I have direct permission to talk about my kid’s issues),
for my Eldest, if it’s worded as ‘thing needs to be done’ VS. ‘YOU need to do this thing’ it makes it possible for them to do it. Because it’s a statement of thing needing to be done. I’m not demanding anything of them.

That only works with some DA folks. It unfortunately doesn’t
work on me. And it only works with him if I use it the first time. If I ‘demand’ something, then try to say it needs to be done, that won’t work.

So if you have someone you’re dealing with or someone who
you care about with DA, it’s basically as listed on the tin. Demand
Avoidance. We will ‘avoid’ the demand.

Except we’re not doing it on purpose, it’s completely
involuntary. I’ve sometimes, often, actually, gotten physically ill at my inability to do the thing. I want to, but even disregarding anything else in the way (illness, recovery from illness, corrupted files, lost materials, homework we couldn’t do), whatever else we’re dealing with is on top of the very involuntary avoidance of the demand.

Eventually, if enough blocks (demands) pile up, like most
thinking creatures, if we see a wall too high to climb, the thing probably just isn’t getting done until we’re able.

I’ve rambled enough. Maybe just try to understand this point
of neurodivergent difficulty.

Demands = avoidance

Demands can be anything from polite requests to shouted
orders.

It is a neurodivergent disability.

It often, though not always, can be managed, if you know how.

It’s not voluntary, and we really can’t help it.

I’m a badly disabled author/editor with a
family to feed. If this helps you, please consider a tip.

Options to donate are at the bottom of the landing
page on my website.

Any help you can spare is so appreciated, I’m going on
almost a year of mandatory bed rest from a massive pulmonary embolism. If I’d waited another 12 hrs to go to ER, I wouldn’t be here.

It’s been an incredibly difficult, long, slow recovery and I’m not on the other side yet.

I’m lucky I can do anything more than basic self care for myself, right now. And even at that, my family brings me food and helps me get around because I’m so dizzy and weak from the side effects of the bloodthinners keeping me alive.

With love -Kai