That I know of anyway. I’m outspoken about pretty much everything, so there may be people I don’t know of who’ve blocked me.

For anyone unfamiliar with how an Asperger’s mind works (or at least THIS aspie) I was sleepy, just finished a favorite movie and popped into twitter for chat and whatnot.

I check in to twitter most nights when I can’t quite sleep yet…. the twitter feed tends to ease my mind for whatever reason.

Now… I’m shaking. My fingers tremble as I write this and my heart is doing a jackhammer impression. I’m sweating and can’t catch my breath. It’s an anxiety attack. Because someone I thought ‘liked’ me and vice versa blocked me mid-conversation.

I’m not getting to sleep anytime soon (and Gods, I’m so bloody exhausted I need the sleep). Scientifically it’s an adrenal reaction to an unfamiliar consequence or stimulus. Knowing that doesn’t help.

Yet again (here’s the last time) I do NOT understand what I’ve done to deserve this action by another person.

It’s not a new sensation for me.

Ya’ know… when you’re ASD of any stripe, you live your entire life trying to blend in, fit in, pretend you’re like the rest of the world. All the while knowing you’re not and you never will be. You develop coping mechanisms, but that never changes the knowledge and experience that you’re different, that your brain just doesn’t work the same way as an NT’s.

To the meat of it… because I’m honestly hurt, I’m not crying, because I think the scars from this type of behavior are so deep and hard that tears just can’t escape anymore. My heart aches with the bruise, though.

Someone I liked in the way you ‘like’ strangers on twitter said they thought colonization of space was stupid. I disagreed, even said we could agree to disagree but that research into colonization of space is important. (Keep in mind please, I approached this as an intellectual discussion on the concept of space colonization and nothing more) I received some ad hominem-esque arguments (calling the idea stupid rather than me… but… close enough that it offended me). I responded with facts… you know… scientific and historical facts.

Like these…

 World population which is ever climbing, and Earth cannot support our numbers at this rate of production.

and this…  which proves that we humans have had the base technology to use and produce electric vehicles since the late 1800s.

I went to share this one about the Wardenclyffe Tower… and found I’m blocked by someone I’ve been ‘friends’ with for a while. We seemed to share very similar ideas, except for this… and I honestly to my bones do not understand what I’ve done wrong.

During the conversation I commented that despite the other person’s arguments that “it’s a stupid idea to colonize space” that not only do we currently have the technology, we need to do it. This is not a mutually exclusive concept to changing our ways and protecting the planet we’re actually walking around on.

But this got me blocked.

And it hurts. In the same way it hurt when I fell on the playground when I was 9 years old, had the breath knocked out of me and heard one of my classmates exclaiming, joyfully, to the rest of the class “Yay! She’s Dead!”

That’s an actual fact from my history. Not even close to the worst one either.

Anyone feel like thwapping me with a padded clue-by-four would be welcome to politely comment and tell me what I’ve done wrong. Cause I don’t know, I never will and it’ll bother me for a very long time.

I’m tired, y’all. So tired of not getting it.