I don’t know how to title this, I’m not sure exactly how to write it either, so there’s that. Bear with me for rambling while I try to verbalize what’s bugging me today.

I’m not pointing to any one person, just calling attention to something I’ve noticed through my years as a queer person.

Bit of background, I’ve always been enby, but social pressures, language, the church, and lack of language for who and what I am made me think I was ‘a girl’ for a long time.

I’m not ‘a girl’. There’s nothing wrong with being girlish, feminine, femme and all the lovely things that go along with that, I’m just not one of them.

But I’m not a cisallohet man either.

Something I’ve noticed over the years is that there seems to be this odd, I dunno, line of acceptability that men (usually, sorry guys, cisallohet men) cross with me. I’m not sure why?

The line is what is acceptable to talk to me/assume about me and what isn’t.

I have theories.

I speak frankly about enjoying sex *WHEN I ENJOY IT AND WANT TO HAVE IT* (people seem to miss that part a lot, I DON’T often want to have sex, and other than two people in my life? I haven’t enjoyed it.) Sex and everything involved in it is not a major motivational factor for me. It just isn’t. I’m not a physically affectionate person because I’m touch averse… so… yeah. Um. Fraught waters.

I laugh at typical ‘guy’ jokes revolving around sex, sexual organs, relationships, et cetera. I find them funny (sometimes problematic, and those aren’t funny.)

I’m bi/pansexual (I’ve IDd as both, because of that language thing, and I honestly don’t FEEL a difference between the terms, though I usually use pan to label myself.) So, mmm. girls. Yes.

So, maybe not the moment they find out all of that about me, but not long after they get used to the fact that I like sex (sometimes!) I think sex jokes are funny (some of them!) and I’m attracted to girls… erm.

It’s like I enter this ‘honorary boys club’ in the heads of my allocishet male friends.

That’s when I start having problems. (No, this isn’t a problem I’m currently having, I just ran across the name of an old friend I HAD this problem with last year, our friendship fell apart rather rapidly.)

It feels to me, from my experience, that the knowledge of me seems to give a LOT of allocishet men the idea that because I like sex and am into girls, that OF COURSE I’M GONNA WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT MAN AND MAYBE WE COULD YOU KNOW HAVE A THREE WAY.

Nope. Nope, Nope, NOPE!

Hell, I don’t always want to have sex with people I’m IN A RELATIONSHIP with. (Sex is heavily tied up in emotions for me, no emotion or negative emotion means no nooky because I’m not into it and won’t enjoy it. Not a power play, just how I’m built.)

Even if I did at one time want to have sex with a person, hell, if I get mad at them, or we grow apart or whatever, sexual desire ain’t gonna stick for me.

I don’t work that way.

Yet… from the moment a cisallohet male friend sends me a ‘risque’ meme or joke or makes a comment that ‘most women’ wouldn’t enjoy, but *I* do, it’s like I’m on this slippery slope of Where Does Kae Draw The Line.

It’s almost as if they’re testing me to see how far I’ll go into this odd ‘man culture’ thing.

Ugh. I feel like I’m bumbling around with this idea.

Just… guys, if you’re a guy of any sort, maybe don’t assume your bi/pan, enby, or other queer friends are gonna automatically be into sex with you. Even if we like the jokes.

It’s awkward making and unhappy causing.

It’s a repeating habit I’ve seen with a lot of guys. So maybe just, don’t assume it’s the either/or of man vs woman and what one sex finds funny/acceptable the oddballs like me will too.

Cause… you know, I don’t?

When all communication devolves into sexual jokes, innuendos and hopes that ‘when’ (another assumption there) we meet in person (I prefer to get to know people via the internet first, not sorry) we’ll get together and do the thing…

um. Nope. Full stop.

I’m polyamorous, yes. So is my husband, that doesn’t mean I can just go boink anyone I feel the urge for. (IF I feel the urge.) There’re agreements that are private between hubs and I that mean a lot to me and that I’m not going to break.

I’m bi/pansexual yes, that doesn’t mean I’m going to want to play a starring role in your two gals on you fantasy.

I’m enby, and I think VERY MUCH like a male, but I was born into and live in an AFAB body, so I deal with ALL of the crap every other woman out there does. (I’d LOVE to be androgynous looking, I’m stuck looking aggressively feminine.)

So, no, it’s not okay to treat me as just ‘one of the guys’ cause I’m not one of those either.

I’m not an easy friend to have, because at every step of the way you have to treat me like a person, not a stereotype or a wet dream or a fantasy fixture.

So maybe think about that a bit?

I’m not the only one, there aren’t neat little boxes to file people away into, not even girls who love being girls.

Treating each person you have something to do with as the unique, precious, amazing individual they are… that’s worth the time. I promise.


Not sure I clearly stated my point or my feelings, but I tried.




2 thoughts on “Assumptions

  1. Very clearly stated your point and so, so true. Trying to fit people into boxes never ever works, which is what makes this world such an awesome place. Literally everyone you meet has a unique story that led to that moment, so just because they have some traits that fit your stereotyped ideas, you can bet your life that they’ll also surprise you.

    You’re uniquely you, and I love you for it.

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