Gather round my friends. I have something I need to say about performative activism.
There aren’t any ally cookies, you know?
Can we just… please, pretty please, with sugar on top STOP boosting angry, hurtful, confrontational voices?
I’m tired y’all. VERY tired of it.
No, it’s not cause I’m old.
I am not in any way trying to say not to share your experiences. DO THAT. Please. I’m not the ‘be nice’ fairy. (I’m the don’t fucking bully people or I’ll thwap you fairy, I’m meaner.)
Please be careful whose message and voice you choose to not only listen to but boost on social media.
Wanna know why?
Because there are people who don’t know their IDs yet who are trying to figure it out.
Because by spreading misinformation, or being a militant activist, or a gaslighter, or even by providing a platform for people who engage in those activities You’re Being Part Of The Problem.
I’m seeing a lot of people boost some rather loud, & unfortunately harmful voices of late. I guess that’s really not a new thing. I’ve had to speak out against bullying a time or ten already.
Now, *today* I’m seeing it VERY clearly in the aroace community.
(My blog post with definitions and links about it all)
Day before yesterday it was white feminists coming after a person for writing their mixed-race ID. Seeing that go down hurt me for two reasons.
One, because I’m mixed race & I almost always write my characters that way.
Two, because I know the pain of ‘never being enough’. Of being called into question for trying to figure out how to be this person descending from multiple races and cultures and the feels it leaves us with.
Seeing what’s going down today with regard to the aroace community is hurting me a bit. Only a bit because I’m solid in my IDs. I know who I am and I’m good with it all.
For what it’s worth, I’m Gray-ace (demisexual and autochorisexual) and gray aromantic.
You know who IS hurting because of the kind of confrontational bullshit I’m seeing today? (and have seen for months now across all the intersectional IDs I’m either blessed or cursed with).
Questioning aces, questioning aros, those are the ones being hurt. Many of whom are young, or who might be older, and hesitant because these words didn’t exist when we were kids. Or if they did, we certainly weren’t taught them.
That kind of confrontational behavior, that nitpicking, it makes people like me gray-aro, gray-ace, afraid to say boo to anyone. To share our own damned experiences.
I have a book coming out in April. It’s one with a demi-sexual, gray aro, touch averse first person point of view main character. I basically ripped my soul out and bled it onto the page for that book.
I’m repping my experience of being gray aroace in that book. It’s own voices.
And *I’m* afraid that I’ll be attacked for sharing my own damned ID.
But I’m a grown up (don’t tell my kids I just ate ice cream for lunch, no lie, I did, butter pecan.)
I knew that by writing that book, by choosing to publish it, especially with a queer publisher it would garner attention.
I’m as ready as I can be for that. If I get flack, I’ll take my lumps and try to learn whatever lessons I can from it.
You know who *ISN’T* ready for that kind of heat?
People who still aren’t comfy with the words they want to claim. The experiences of their IDs. The ones I wrote that book for?
The ones the *militant activists* pretend to be educating for and defending?
Yep, also them.
The very ones they’re trying to ‘protect’.
That’s who this kind of shite hurts.
That’s. Peeps, that’s so fucking harmful I can’t eloquently express how very, very bad it is.
Today, some voices who have historically made gray aroaces like me feel unwanted, unsafe and like we don’t have a voice in our own community are being loud.
The only point I’m gathering from the nasty noise I’ve seen today is that as my grandmother used to say… someone has a bug up their butt.
Jeebus. Sit the fuck down, will ya?
YOUR experience is not the same as another aro ace’s experience and no one elected you the fucking spokespeople for all of us!
I’ve already had two aroace teens in my inbox today asking for help understanding what’s going on.
I don’t *get* what the repeated dust ups are always about with regard to this one person’s words & this one platform. They’re trying, okay? Give it a rest?
Are they perfect? Nope. They’re human.
Did they do their due diligence? Damned straight they did.
Now, Sit. The. Fuck. Down. And. Shut. Up.
I’m saying that as a not so outspoken member of the aroace community.
I’m not the only one tired of your BS. STFU now. Please and thank you.
If you want to share *YOUR* experience of your ID. Please do. Don’t be telling other people they’re wrong, when honestly?
Being aro or being ace or both is a spectrum. They are NOT the same thing, though they are often conflated.
Each is a sliding scale of its own and where one person falls on one is not going to be the same as where you do.
My experience of being aro is definitely not the same as someone else’s. Which, you know, is okay? It really is?
But some of these speakers, the ones who CONSTANTLY embattle the same people for writing either their experience or someone else’s experience… W/PERMISSION AND DUE DILIGENCE.
They’re militant. They’re scary. They have platforms and others boost their words like they are the word of god. They’re not. They’re so not.
This angriness, this confrontational stuff, this ‘my way or the highway’ attitude I keep seeing from the same people, over and over again…
That’s not how activism and education is supposed to work!!
The way it’s supposed to work is this.
I read/saw something I’m not happy with.
Sorta like I read those comments today.
Then I take to *my* social media (lol, this blog post was supposed to be a thread, guess I had more words to say about it) and say…
Um… that’s not really how it works in my experience/educated opinion.
Then I can share *my* experience of the topic in question.
I can leave it there for people to see and take part of as they wish.
I haven’t attacked anyone, made unpleasant accusations, nor have I tried to pick a fight.
I’ve said… I’m seeing X, I don’t like it, here’s Y.
Education and activism.
I’ve very purposefully withheld the names of the loud, angry, thinking-they’re-always-right people from my attempt to get people to think. Peeps, this is a very disturbing trend I’ve seen consistently growing and developing more and more heads.
It’s not okay.
If you’re one of those people, and you think I’m talking about you?
Cause I’m tired of your shit.
I’m tired of questioning queer folk and other gray aroace’s being terrified to say anything because of you and your words.
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