So, I came to my blog to talk about the hurt that ripped through me upon catching up on the TW disaster in the making on twitter. Dude doesn’t know what’s coming to him when he gets back. Read here, if you want… TW trashheap But. I’m finding that I really, really don’t want to talk about it.
I listen to my gut, and since it’s telling me not to go there, that I’ve already had way more than my share of experience with suicide, I won’t talk about it. I’ll cover it in my YA memoir, when I get there, if I’m brave enough to finish writing the damned thing.
So. I’m going to talk about something that I love. Kink.
Lol, who, me? Love Kink? Naw… pshaw, not really, she’d never do that?!
*giggles madly*
Ahem. Serious authorial face… okay, fine, I tried. I’m rarely serious enough, despite my resting bitch face, to pull off gravitas.
So.
It’s still feminism to like to be hit, spanked, humiliated, used et cetera, in a consensual, sexual manner.
It really is.
It’s still feminism to like to hit, spank, humiliate, use et cetera, in a consensual, sexual manner.
I’d hope that anyone following me by now knows that I’m an unapologetic feminist.
I also love men/males for all the glorious masculinity they can express.
I see it mixed up sometimes, hell, a lot of the time, that feminism=man hating. It really doesn’t.
For those who need a refresher. Feminism on Wikipedia.
Feminism, at it’s core, is the struggle for equality.
That means what it seems to, that males are equal-if-different to females, that gender fluid individual and trans individuals are equal. Same rights, same responsibilities, same repercussions.
I’ve had individuals read my work and attempt to censure me for the characters liking to (Insert kink practice).
But that’s just it. If we’re equal, we all get to say what we like and what we don’t like. NO one gets to tell us, hey, we don’t like that so you aren’t allowed to.
So, if I say that I like to both Spank, AND Be Spanked by a consenting partner in a scene, I’m exercising my right to my own equality.
I’m not supporting male dominant in a cishetwhite society by enjoying a good flogging, (although in the right circumstances, oh yes, sir, please may I have some more! 😉 geez, you had to know that was coming.)
It means that I’m saying that no one other than myself owns my body and how I use it or choose to allow it to be used. It means I’m supporting my own right to acknowledge my needs and desires and to go after them in a respectful way. It means that I want to (and have to) accept that my partners desires may not be my own, and that that is okay too.
It means, I’m supporting my right to exercise the very basis of equality, that of free choice.
For years now, I’ve really longed to rip a certain series of Shades books to pieces. Honorably, I choose not to do that to another author. Being a writer is damned hard, and even if I feel the writing misrepresented my lifestyle in a dangerous way, I won’t castigate the person who wrote it.
I will say this though. Respecting ‘no’ is just as important as respecting ‘yes’. I know, so many people still struggle with the concept of respecting ‘no’ (not many kinksters that I’ve met, thank goodness.) Actually, I’ve never met a lifestyle kinkster who didn’t hold the word ‘no/chosen safeword’ as holy, but, I digress.
Respecting anyones’ right to say, in whatever fashion floats their boat, ‘yes, please I’d like some more’ is just as deep a tenant of feminism as respecting anyones’ right to say ‘no’.
If you may be lagging behind on that concept. I invite you to consider what being a feminist means. Equality.
‘Cause the worst detractors I’ve ever met of kinksters ability and right to say ‘yes’ are a certain brand of “feminist.”
My main beef with the “Shades” series you refer to is that it couches a story of kinky sexual exploration in the context of a woman sacrificing her personal and sexual autonomy in exchange for the kind of attentions from men women are conditioned to want in cishet relationships. In short, it’s the same damn thing we’ve seen over and over again, just with a little more leather. I respect your decision not to rip another writer, but in this case I have no such compunction 😛
Average people live by stereotypes, and the prejudgement they have with kink (ie anything that I wouldn’t do is disgustingly dirty) is beyond my ability to understand (probably part of my Asperger’s). It’s as if they can’t believe people enjoy things they despise therefore consensual bondage, violence, whatever must be a level of abuse.
Feminism is the power to choose to do without coercion for being female, yet too many women attempt to shame and bully other women from having the sex they want.
As a writer I have no problem blaming Shades for damaging public consensus by taking the abuseful relationship of Twilight and presenting it as an example of how BDSM relationships work. Take all the kink and bloodlust from those stories and they’re just an abuseful stalker/Stockholm syndrome story sold as “romance.”
Ugh, Shades. Such a trainwreck, but I also believe (as a writer and reader and feminist) that it’s a valuable teaching tool about what not to do in a myriad of situations. So let’s agree to that first.
I mentioned I’m a feminist. Am I passionately outspoken about feminism? Probably not as much as I could be. That being said, I totally agree with you that feminism is simply about the struggle for equality and the recognition of how their biases can be detrimental. But what gets lost in the message is people projecting their own connotations of that on other people, i.e., slut-shaming, mom-shaming, body-shaming, etc. Women unfortunately are just as bad as men (maybe worse) with the bullying.
Real equality is the ability to choose for yourself what you want without fear of shame, criticism or reprisal from others. I ask this question all the time – how are one person’s life choices really affecting you personally? Your choice to be in a BDSM relationship has no impact on me whatsoever and my choice to abstain from it. You aren’t coercing me into that lifestyle. You aren’t forcing me to watch or participate And I can choose to read about your experiences or not. If I don’t like what you’re saying, I can change the proverbial channel. You don’t have to yell at me because I disagree, All we have to do is respect one another and move on to another topic. Boom. End of problem. Why is that so hard?
I realize that approach doesn’t work in situations where someone is marginalized or discriminated against in a real or unlawful way (like equal pay or being fired because of your sexual orientation). But for day to day interactions between people on what you do in the privacy of your own home, people need to just shut their damn mouths and worry about more important things like the economy and climate change.